Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize