ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
