I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize