Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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