Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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