when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Randomize
