So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
