Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The struggles of a small town man whore
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
