i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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