i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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