remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
