Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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