Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
