When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
