Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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