when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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