Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize