i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
