my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize