I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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