dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
