Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
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