she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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