i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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