Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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