i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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