Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
