just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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