Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
