Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
