Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You pole danced in your parka.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
