we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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