If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize