Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
