I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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