she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
