We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
