i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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