A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
