I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Bring me that man meat
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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