i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize