He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
