Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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