3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
well I can't set my house on fire every night
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
we're so committed to being not committed
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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