when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
