My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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