I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
