Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
