My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
