I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
