Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
