not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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