we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
