My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Woke up backwards on a recliner
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
