I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
