if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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