i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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