Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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