I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
