Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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