What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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