Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
